Hard day.

I am feeling a little...OK a lot emotional today. My cousin Colby's wife is in the hospital. She just had a C-section to save her baby's life. The baby was born 3 months early weighing just over 1 pound. She is 12 inches long. I saw a picture of her tiny little body today and all of the emotion of losing my baby came rushing in with no warning. I actually think I felt jealousy. If that isn't bad. This tiny little one will be in the NICU at Primary Children's until Thanksgiving. I just kept thinking to myself if my little one had held on a little longer we might have been able to save him/her.

I have miscarried before but I was only 8 weeks. The emotion and emptiness for my baby stayed with me until Dominick was born but this is a different hurt. This was a baby. I was feeling it move. I was 17 weeks. I was about to find out what it was. I found out in the hospital that the baby died at 13 weeks. I don't think it had a gender yet. I tried to find out but no one could tell me. I think the hardest part was I didn't get to see him/her. I wish I had. I feel like I didn't get the closure I needed. I have cried a lot today. I don't like to talk about it because I don't know what to say to those who have asked. I feel like crap when I am alone which is a lot since Shawn is gone 4 out of 7 days most weeks. This next month will be especially hard since he will only be home for 1 1/2 days in between each trip. My family all live in Utah so I am just here. I really am just writing to get some of my emotion and stupid jealousy of my cousin out.

I guess I was hoping I wouldn't feel all of this since I was so focused on Dominick when it all happened. That was a nightmare. I was so worried about him that I didn't have time to think about this. Now that all of the stress from his illness, operation, hospital stay, and pure hell I went through with my family is over I get to feel sad. This is a hard day.

I want to have another baby but I haven't been in for my follow up appointment yet. I don't want to make the appointment. I don't have a good reason I just don't. I guess I don't want to talk about it with the doctor. It's just so final. I don't want to find out I have to wait forever before I get to try again. I also wonder if I can handle another pregnancy. There is also the fear will I lose it again. So much emotion and I don't really know how to get through it. So there it is. My true feelings.