Terrible, Awful, no good very bad day!

Yesterday was awful.  I had my family over to talk through things to try and resolve problems that I thought were big.  They were for me. I have been so hurt by the fact that my family isn't like the family that I want...I want my family to be here for me, mostly in support.  I feel lonely, and trapped, I don't feel like anyone understands.  I am mad that I can't do anything for myself.  I need to scream and throw things. I am angry. My mom mentioned after the horrible fight that I am morning the loss of the person I used to be.  She is right.  I hate that I can't do things that I normally do.  Really I can't do things that anyone can normally do.  I am slipping into a deep depression.  I am not me anymore and that is hard to accept.  I have thought many times about going to a counselor but have quickly dismissed it because I am trying so hard to be the person I once was.  I am not ready to give that person up, because that means I have to let in this new person that is the complete opposite of the person I was.  This person has to sit A LOT.  Sitting isn't something that I do very well.  I have always been the mom that is involved.  I make my kids breakfast everyday, bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes.  All the good stuff. I love to serve and do it when I can.  I love to help anyone going through hard times.  I love to find the positive in anything and everything.  My friends tease that I can find the positive in sitting in POOP. lol  I am a very involved social person.  I love me. Or I did.  Now I am the person who is too tired to make breakfast.  I am too tired to socialize.  It wares me out to do visiting teaching. To walk up the street to visit anyone.  Really anything I do makes me tired and winded.  I keep trying to convince myself this isn't real and I try to do my normal everyday things but it always backfires. That makes me mad, but I have this battle everyday.  This is hard to find the positive in.  I am trying but this one has been difficult.

So my family came over.  I spent so much time preparing spiritually.  I prayed so much about this meeting.  I really thought it would go so much better than it did.  When everyone came  I really thought we would talk and walk away with a new understanding of each other.  That did not happen.  partially because of them, and partially because of me.  When everyone sat down my mind went blank.  It scared me.  I couldn't form my sentences right.  Everything came out wrong.  I felt attacked and couldn't seem to put my thoughts together to defend myself and that just made things worse.  I kept trying but nothing went right.  My family was so mad, so frustrated and hurt by things said in the past and last night.  That was never my intention.  I needed to listen and I didn't.  I felt attacked and because of that I tried to defend myself.  I was not the humble person I had asked the Lord for help to be. Pride.  It bit me hard yesterday.  I wanted to fix things but that didn't happen. None of us listened to each other.  I wanted to be heard but so did they and none of us stopped to listen.  Problem number one.

My brother was the voice of reason.  I really do love him so much.  He said some really good things that I really heard.  This is all a huge misunderstanding on both sides. Things I saw one way I realize were seen completely different by my family.  Things they were upset about  I saw completely different.  No one was right, no one was wrong really.  We all have a side.  I wish we could talk more as a family because if we could this would be so different.  We don't know how to talk though.  We can't fix things by talking.  We only make it worse.  That is hard for me.  I talk through my feelings.  I don't like feeling angry at people and I don't like people being mad at me.  I guess I am like my Dad that way.  My mom gets mad and walks out and then when she's ready, comes back.  I have never understood that.  I don't feel like things get solved that way.  I think my sisters are a lot like my mom. They walk away and when they are ready just join in again.  I personally don't like that because I just feel like that anger just festers and stays with you till the next time and then adds to the anger that is new.  I feel like it is unhealthy but I can't change them.  I am going to have to find a way not to take what they say in anger personally.  I just don't know how to do that.  The things said are hurtful on purpose.  That is the reason they are said.  How do I take that and let it go when someone says something for the sole purpose of hurting someone else.  That was the thing I hated most about growing up in the Love house. That is the thing I won't let my kids do to each other.  When hurtful things are said we sit down and talk through things and I try to keep the peace while that is being done.  Stop any lashing out and name calling so feelings can be expressed. I keep wanting my family to be like that but again I can't change them. What do I do?  What a mess.

I love my family very much but I am not sure how to go forward from here. I am so hurt and they are so hurt.  We are all hurt from not listening to each other that I am not sure what to do. I also don't like the person they see.  They see a selfish, uncaring, all about me person.   That isn't me.  What have I done to make them see this person and how do I fix it.  In their eyes I am a horrible person that they don't want to be around.  How did this happen? They see a person I don't even know. Do I really act differently around them because the person they see I wouldn't want to be around. I guess that saying is true.  If you treat your friends the way you treat your family, you wouldn't have any friends. Apparently I have some sole  searching to do. How can I be different to my family. How can I change what they see. The only way is through prayer and temple attendance.  I guess Shawn was right when he said the hearts that needed to be softened were.  Mine was one. The biggest one.  I am really angry at my family.  I don't feel support from them.  I don't feel like I can ask them for help.  Maybe that is something I am going to have to come to terms with. Is it wrong to feel that way?  My family is becoming a place to hang out occasionally.  My friends are becoming my family.  That seems so backward to me, but I don't think I can change that. I guess when it comes to leaning, my friends will be there and I am going to have to give a pass to my family.  I don't really feel like they want to be apart of the hard things that my little family is going through.  I guess I let my mom know what is going on and then let the rest of the family find out from her. That seems to be the best way.  I still feel like Katie is petty and her things she is angry at are stupid but I guess she sees me the same way.  As it is right now I see this being repaired mostly from me just dropping it and forgetting about it.  It   take a few times of showing up to family functions doing that but eventually things will go back to normal.  Do I want this.  No, but their ways aren't my ways and vice versa.  I don't think I will ever get them to understand how I feel and that talking through things is better than this but I did it before.  I let things go before and managed, I guess I just wanted more.  Do I expect too much from people? This whole experience has made me question myself a lot.

So much to figure out.