Selfishness

Today was not fun.  I struggled to get school done because the door bell kept ringing.  I was getting frustrated with that. Allison came first and I wouldn't let her stay because this English lesson was hard today.  Then after she left Melanie came with plates and plastic ware. I stopped school to talk for a while. It was nice that she came.  I actually enjoyed seeing her.  It was nice to have contact with family. After she left we finished school and then I had to lay down for a nap.  I seem to need those more and more lately.  I didn't sleep well the night before but it really doesn't make a difference when I do sleep well.  My body seems so tired.  I will be honest I feel like this is my new normal.  I know I can get to a place that I can accept that but right now I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. This brings me to tonight.

A bunch a women were meeting together for book club and going out for dinner.  I decided I wanted to go.  I don't get out much so I wanted to try and be social for a change.  I asked Hillary and Allison to go with me.  Hillary needed to be home but with a little pushing I got Allison to come. I offered to pay for her dinner so she would come.  On the way there I noticed she was upset.  I pushed to get it out of her.  She basically told me that she was mad at me.  She was mad I didn't come over earlier in the week and help her find her wallet.  She says I don't reach out to her and she is the only one making an effort in this friendship. She said it is hard for her because sometimes she feels that it would be easier for her to walk away from me and not be friends anymore because she is just struggling with me being so different.  I am not social, I don't text her, I don't make an effort.  Honestly right now I don't do any of those things but no one is more frustrated than me.  I am mad that I cant unload the dishwasher without breaking into a sweat.  I can't pick up the laundry from the floor and sort it on the bed without breaking into a sweat and breathing hard.  I can't do anything normal.  I have to walk slow because I start breathing hard if I walk at a normal pace.  I struggle going up the stairs.  I do all of these things anyway but it catches up to me and forces me to lay down. I don't like this at all but I am trying to accept it.  I have started doing family history and crocheting to help me feel like my time is more productive.  That has helped but having my best friend talk to me like she did frustrates me.  She is mad because I am not taking care of her but I am mad she doesn't understand how hard things are right now.  I am angry! She is supposed to understand not make me feel bad because she isn't getting enough attention.  I wanted to kick her out of the car and drive home.  I was really hurt.  I actually felt guilty for not being there for her but I was the one that asked her to come out tonight.  I paid for dinner.  I wanted her to come.  I thought this was a big moment for me but she took it from me.  I can't tease with her but in the state she is in she says it's mean.  I don't feel I can do anything with her.  I feel like I have to watch everything I say around her.  Honestly it is hard to be her friend and sometimes it would be easier to walk away from her.  I would never say that to her.  All that would do is hurt her. I am trying not to let thoughts like that enter my mind.  AHHHH.  I am so mad at her tonight!